'This is who I am'
I gave disposable cameras to five transgender and nonbinary people, aged 16-21, and asked them to document their own lives at a time when anti-LGBTQ sentiment was growing in Missouri. In their pictures, Jay, Zari, Josie, Miles and Peter document everyday life, in their own words and through their own eyes.
The project published in the Columbia Missourian in March 2023. By that time, Missouri had become a hotbed of anti-LGBTQ legislation, with lawmakers filing more anti-LGBTQ bills than almost any other state.
A1 photographs by Tristen Rouse. Inside photographs by Jay, Zari, Josie, Miles and Peter. Print design by Campbell Biemiller.
×Jay, 16, he/him
"My transness is something that I will always hold dearly, a part of me that has given me an entirely new perspective on the world. Cisgender individuals will never be able to fully understand what it's like to be trans, what it's like to live every day having to deal with such an array of issues. I had been out as transgender for a year and a half before starting my medical transition. Throughout that time, I faced so many issues that cisgender people don't even have to think about. Being followed into the men's bathroom, never knowing if I should group myself with the boys or the girls in class, getting a job for the first time and having to deal with customers constantly misgendering me and calling me “ma’am,” having to out myself to people because otherwise they never would have known I was a man, and so many more things I had to deal with every single day.
"I started taking testosterone on April 23, 2022, a day I will never forget. Although I was so happy and excited to have started testosterone, for a few months after, I started feeling hopeless. I was continually misgendered at work and school. I had experienced the misgendering by strangers for two years prior to starting testosterone, but it became different after starting it. I felt like I was injecting testosterone into my thigh every week for nothing. I had no changes for months, my voice didn't change, I didn’t grow facial hair, nothing. I had never felt more hatred for my transness, I just wanted to be a boy without having to do so much work. Finally, after over 6 months on testosterone, my voice started dropping and I started seeing so many changes I couldn't even keep up with them. I got gendered correctly at work for the first time and I almost started crying from happiness. Trans joy to me is being gendered correctly, being seen as a man by complete strangers. Ever since I’ve started consistently passing, I’ve grown to love my transness again. I love connecting with other trans people on a deeper level. I love being a man. I love advocating for myself and my identity. I love the way my transness lets me see the world so much differently. I love being trans."
I have identified as a transgender man for well over a year. Although my experience being trans has been extremely tough due to things such as reactions from others at school, I’m glad for the happy moments that I'm able to live through — such as getting my name legally changed. I’ve grown to learn so much about myself that I would not have been able to if I was cis. I’m proud to be transgender. (Jay, 16, he/him)
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Going to school is one of the hardest things I have to do as a trans person. Things that cisgender people do without even thinking can easily trigger me and other trans people. “Boys over there and girls over there” — a common phrase in the classroom and something that cis people don’t even think twice about. As a trans person who doesn’t pass, I have to make a decision in that moment. Do I go with the boys and get odd looks and even have the possibility of someone telling me I’m on the wrong side? Or do I go with the girls and make myself uncomfortable because I know people are seeing me as a girl? (Jay, 16, he/him)
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On a positive note, I have just gotten approved to start testosterone! This picture is the aftermath of getting my blood drawn, which is something that I’ll have to do often for the rest of my life. (Jay, 16, he/him)
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I recently hit four months on testosterone! It’s all happening so quickly. I can still vividly remember the confusion I had trying to give myself my first shot. Now, I do it myself without any help. I’m so proud of how far I have come. Testosterone is different for everyone, which is something that really hit me recently. Although I’ve been on testosterone for a bit over four months, my voice has barely started to drop, which was the main thing I was excited for. Something I have noticed, though, is I started growing actual facial hair very soon after starting testosterone. It usually takes one year to start growing facial hair like that. Testosterone is a waiting game, changes don’t happen as soon as you want them to, which is something I now understand. (Jay, 16, he/him)
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Working as a trans person is always something I dread doing. Especially being in fast food, I have to interact with hundreds of people a day. It’s hard to be stressed over work and then proceed to get misgendered by a stranger. If I had one thing to tell the world to make it a bit easier for trans people to simply exist, I’d say to please stop gendering random people you don’t know. “Ma’am” or “sir” can hurt someone way more than you know. (Jay, 16, he/him)
×Zari, 21, she/they/he & Josie, 21, she/her
This is the declaration of me.
Escapism that I achieve through poetry.
In God we trust.
In water I rust.
I’m drowning in half tales.
Stress causing me to break my nails.
Will I ever be able to live my truth?
I want to harvest this plant right from the root.
I am scared to water it out of fear of judgement.
So my plant will die and be covered by cement.
I can chalk it up but rain will wash it.
This is who I am & I am innocent.
— A poem from Zari's project journal
Josie and I went to the park to have a day in the sun. It was fun to play on the playground, to experience old fun. We also incorporated our newfound fun into the mix and went roller skating outside at the tennis court that was also at the park. (Zari, 21, she/they/he)
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Being with someone who shares similar experiences with you can be very validating. In the trans community the term T4T refers to trans people that are mainly looking to date other trans people. In some cases that can be individuals who share a similar gender expression or opposite. (Zari, 21, she/they/he & Josie, 21, she/her)
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“Testosterone Gel, 1.62% for topical use only. Apply one pump on the shoulder and rub in till dry. Only do this one time a day on both shoulders for best results.” This is a picture of Zari's first bottle of T. They were able to get free testosterone through Planned Parenthood with a grant that they had to give free hormonal medication to trans people. Without the grant, the testosterone gel would have cost $100. (Zari, 21, she/they/he & Josie, 21, she/her)
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I tried to bind when I took testosterone and even before that. I tried KT tape and binders but honestly that just isn't for me. It hurts my back to even wear sports bras. So now I do not wear anything to cover my breasts when I wear shirts. I have worn a bra for years But for other people binding that can be such a beautiful and affirming action for them. (Zari, 21, she/they/he)
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Some non-binary people and trans men still have the ability to get pregnant. We need to include them in the conversation of reproductive rights because their rights are also on the line. With the reproductive rights movement being a major issue last year because of Roe v. Wade being overturned, it gave a platform for people to be openly transphobic. Cis women were steering this conversation to solely be about them, when in reality they are not the only ones affected by the stripping of Roe v. Wade. The reason why this is such an issue for trans men and nonbinary folks is that it is harmful to our health if we do not have access to the same care because of our identities. Sex should not be linked to gender. (Zari, 21, she/they/he & Josie, 21, she/her)
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I feel as though Jesus would have been at Pride. This was a man that was around people of many different walks of life. I feel like the LGBT community would have been a group of people that he would have interacted with. (Zari, 21, she/they/he & Josie, 21, she/her)
×Miles, 16, he/him
"I’ve been thinking about activism a lot recently. I really enjoy standing up for trans rights, but there are other things I would rather do. I care so much about the environment and animals and for people with disabilities, and I think these are things I would rather be involved in. I want to be involved with trans rights, but not known for it. Or I would want to be known for it but not that I was trans. Because I feel like if people know I’m trans then it’s like “Of course you care about it, you are trans.” But I don’t want it to be seen that way. I just want to be myself and stand up for trans rights without being seen as trans. Because I don’t see myself as trans, really. I just see myself as myself. Like, I’m just a boy."
— An excerpt from Miles’ project journal
My cat Rambo, sitting on one of her favorite places with me. (Miles, 16, he/him)
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This is one of my favorite places, and I have a lot of great memories at this park. (Miles, 16, he/him)
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This is my living room, where I spent most of time during COVID. (Miles, 16, he/him)
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My desk, where I spend a lot of time studying and learning about history and geography. (Miles, 16, he/him)
×Peter, 17, they/them
“I live in a small, conservative town. There are few people who are openly queer, and many people are afraid of any scrutiny they will experience if they do come out. I was very aware the queer community in my school was very hidden, and there was not a big support group for them. Because of this, I decided to team up with two of my teachers so I could start my school's GSA (Gender and Sexuality Alliance). The first day we had it, ten to fifteen students showed up. The majority of them were in the school’s junior high. Not long after the meeting ended, the superintendent visited one of the teachers involved in the GSA. He told her that we could not have any junior high kids in the group according to district policy. I checked the district policy, and it said nothing about who could be in the club. It said the club had to be started by a student in either eleventh or twelfth grade (I was a junior, so I was not breaking any rules), but there was nothing else about age. The main reason the superintendent got involved was that there was a small uproar about there being a GSA at school. Many parents said it would ‘turn their kids gay’ and that they did not want ‘that sort of influence on them.’ If you want to know what it is like being openly queer in a small town, that pretty much sums it up.”
I started my school’s GSA (Gender and Sexuality Alliance), those were the people who helped with it. (Peter, 17, they/them)
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My school’s marching band during the beginning of summer in 2022. (Peter, 17, they/them)
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This was taken at a solo contest for band during my junior year. I typically wear more masculine outfits like this in formal situations. (Peter, 17, they/them)
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I was going to prom with a friend whose parents wouldn’t be too fond of me wearing a suit. After thinking about it for months, I opted to wear a dress so I wouldn’t be putting myself or my friend in a compromising position. (Peter, 17, they/them)
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These are the bathrooms of my high school. We don’t have any family restrooms. This wouldn’t be a huge problem if it was actually safe for students to go into the restroom of their gender identity. (Peter, 17, they/them)
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One of my parents is a teacher. This is a sign they have in their classroom. (Peter, 17, they/them)
×This project is inspired by the principles of “participant photography,” a sociological research method intended to empower individuals, through photography, to document and share their own lived experiences.
The last names of those who participated in this project have been withheld as a safety precaution. Midway through the project, one participant requested their entire name be withheld, as they are preparing to apply to colleges and were concerned their public participation in the project could negatively impact their admissions. They have been given the pseudonym Peter.